Public Speaking Tips

What Not to do when Public Speaking

By John T Jones, Ph.D.

At one time or another, you are going to have to give a speech. Kids are pestered the most. They have to speak at school and church. Most adults are not required to speak as often as kids, but when they are asked to speak, they are given short notice and the request seems never to be expected. If you can’t squirm out of giving a speech you will need guidelines for giving the speech–so you never have to give another one.

First let’s try to squirm out of it. Excuses to Not Give a Speech Always keep one good excuse at hand. Then when someone asks you to speak, you will be ready. Try these:

1. When is that? (This gives you time to think.)

2. Oh, I would really like to speak, but I’d be paralyzed. I really can’t do it. No. Never.

3. Oh, this Sunday? Gee, I’d like to help you but I’ll be out of town that day. No, I won’t be back by then either. (This is great for retired people with recreational vehicles. They can leave town in a hurry. Yes, you can rent or borrow such a vehicle.)

4. What is the subject? Oh, I never speak on that subject. It brings up too many emotions. No. I won’t speak on that subject. Get someone else.

5. That subject would be better handled by Madeline. Yes. She should give that talk, not me. No never.

6. You know I was in the hospital with that tube down my throat and you want me to talk for twenty minutes. My doctor said, “No public speaking for six months.”

7. Oh, it’s been over six months since I was in the hospital. Oh, I’m sorry. He said, “twelve months.”

8. I’m just recovering from an illness. Give a big cough. I just don’t feel like giving a talk. Next week? No. Not even then.

9. Memorial Day? You know I’m a combat veteran and you want me to speak on Memorial Day? I just can’t do it. Hang your head at this point. If you can generate a tear or two, do it.

10. Give a talk? You bet! I’ve wanted to tell the Republican Women’s Club what I think of that moron they elected twice.

Despite all of your excuses, experienced talker grabbers will not let you off the hook. If you must speak, then here are some hints so that you will never have to speak again.

Things to Do While Speaking (So you don’t have to speak again.)

1. Stand before the group and stare at the ceiling. Don’t say anything for five minutes.

2. Start your talk with, “Duh!”

3. Stutter at the first of every sentence. Keep silent for two minutes and then stutter again. If you already stutter naturally, you will not have to practice this important move. Have someone go for a glass of water. Drink often.

4. Never end a sentence. Use “and a” to prevent this. Say “and a” as often as you can.

5. Pick your nose, cough, and hiccup. Pull out a large red cowboy handkerchief, blow your nose loudly, and spit in the handkerchief. Twitching is also good. Practice a cheek twitch until you get it down.

6. Keep opening and closing a large reference book. Make sure you have at least 10 large reference books to carry to the pulpit. This will make everyone think you are going to talk for three hours. They will go to sleep, so drop the books to the floor occasionally to wake them up.

7. Read the Gettysburg Address and tell your audience that your great-grandmother wrote it for Lincoln. If the audience laughs, look indignant and sit down with a pout on your face.

8. Take your glasses off and on continually. When they are off, squint at the audience.

9. Speak so softly that nobody can hear you. When they are all straining their ears, drop your books again. Then say, “Whoops!” as loud as you can.

10. On closing, say that you know that you were supposed to speak on “Reverence in Church” but that you hope they enjoyed your talk on “Was Paul Really an Apostle?” Conclude that Paul was an imposter that started his own church and that the name of your church should be changed from “The First Church of Paul the Apostle” to “The First Church of Paul the Imposter.”

Well, that should do it.
John T Jones, Ph.D. - EzineArticles Expert Author

John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He is Executive Representative of IWS sellers of Tyler Hicks wealth-success books and kits. He also sells TopFlight flagpoles. He calls himself "Taylor Jones, the hack writer."